tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
