dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
