My liver just broke up with me...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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