I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
