Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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