I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
