Apparently you make a good broom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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