the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
