all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
