Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
