I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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