Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
