he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
