my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
