guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
