at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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