girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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