its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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