Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
