On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
