dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
