I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
