I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
