If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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