So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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