Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
