the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
