Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
