I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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