I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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