There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
