I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
