omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
