You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
