Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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