Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
