went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
