This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
