I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
