the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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