why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
