dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
