God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
