420 ftw
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
