Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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