The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This toilet bowl is my home.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
