420 ftw
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
