More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
