gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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