I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
